Missed Connection
Alex Steinman
Now that I'm more than halfway through pregnancy, I've moved from casually forgetting we're about to be a family of four to full on mama bird nesting code red. We're evicting #gingerbaby from the crib and moving him into a new room and twin bed this month (pray for us). My obsession with Amazon Prime is only justified by my addiction with bringing bags of things to GoodWill.
I woke up last week surprised I was all of a sudden 25 weeks in. I saw myself in our patio window from behind and didn't recognize the locomotive caboose I'd been dragging around. I asked Matt if there was something wrong with the window. He said he'd look into it.
Two more weeks, and I won't be traveling anymore. Due to some wicked sciatica, my hips can't do sitting on planes or walking the length of a terminal. Four weeks after that, and it's time to pack a bag. A BAG. FOR THE HOSPITAL. WHERE WE COME BACK WITH ANOTHER HUMAN.
I was so much more prepared for Cooper, counting the seconds between what was probably just farts. I went to yoga almost everyday, I ran until I was seven months along, and I knew fetus fruit sizes by heart.
I haven't taken a prenatal vitamin in weeks and the only place I'm running is to the bathroom. I miss the physical, emotional and mental connection of number one and fear I'm losing time to do the same during what is likely my last pregnancy.
It takes an enormous amount of concentration and focus to connect with this baby, though meditating is difficult at home with a nugget peeling your eyes open with his booger hands. Perhaps I had more stillness in my life before Cooper. Stillness and time and sleep and clean clothes.
After tears, Beyonce and chocolate, I've determined the only thing standing in the way of that time is me. I can choose to leave work to make a yoga class, I can choose to stop mindlessly scrolling through social media, and I can choose to focus on the newbie whenever I want.
It's amazing what releasing yourself from your own perceived barriers can do. Giving myself permission to breath was all I needed. I went to yoga today for the first time in months and felt amazing. I said hello to my belly and goodbye to unnecessary stress.
