There's Poop On My Leg...And Other Things I've Said

From nip cream to pee pee teepee, becoming a mom has expanded my vocabulary more than I expected. Not only have I learned knew words, but I've found myself casually saying phrases like, "please don't pee on the rug," and "don't put your dad's toes in your mouth," and "lay off your nuts, kid." Being a parent is tough. But if you can find two minutes to reflect on all the stupid shit you say, being a parent becomes hilarious.

There's poop on my leg

I hate when I think a diaper is just wet, but then I open it up, and BANG! Solids. It makes me feel like my mom senses are down. That, or I'm congested. While changing a diaper amongst piles of unfolded, clean laundry in my bedroom, I found a surprise poop.

"CODE BROWN," I shouted to Matt. He ran to the nursery and tossed me some wipes. We try to tag-team poops around here because we have a nut grabber of a kid, and no one wants pink eye in this house. I removed the dirty diaper, and with a thud, the turd landed on my leg.

"There's poop on my leg," I said in a panic as I picked it up WITH MY BARE HAND. Matt and I stared at each other in disbelief. Why was it on my leg, and why am I holding the poop now?

There's a sock in my pants

We have a thousand baby socks, but like tiny, infuriating, magical fairies, they only reveal themselves one at a time. This is mostly because the bastards are hiding individually in the legs of my pants. Between static cling and never-ending unfolded the laundry, I always find a sock while in the bathroom at work.

There's a Nuk in my pocket

You never know when you'll need one to silence a crabby, nap-deprived child in Target or soothe a stressed, anxious co-worker in the office. I always carry a Nuk in my pocket. It could be for you.

There's a baby phone in my work bag

Cooper loves his pretend phones. He waves his hands around and animatedly talks to someone just like mama. On a particularly busy workday, I reached into my computer bag and pulled out two baby phones and a Nuk. He must have tucked the phones in my bag before work. #Gingerbaby is really into hiding things. I haven't seen any of our 16 coasters since he was born.

There are vegetables in my hair

Coop's a big fan of the vegetable medley, so we have corn, peas and carrots as a side for dinner...a lot. He knows the sign language for "all done," but instead of using it, he wipes his hands back and forth on his tray, flinging veggies across the room. If our windows were open this time of year, our neighbors would have peas in their living room.

After dinner is a flurry of clean up, bath time splashing, bedtime struggles and a glass of wine. In my haste to get to the bottle at the end of the tunnel, I have sometimes failed to notice remnants of dinner in my hair. My hair is a tangled nest, and I'm fairly certain there's been something living in there for quite some time. Once something goes in, it's not likely to come out again. I've found carrots, boogers, squash, almond butter, banana and oatmeal in there since having a child. Whatever is living in there is well-fed.